Man Ohhh Man. To say this last year has been a challenge would be quite the understatement. There is light at the end of the tunnel and life is starting to resume to somewhat "normal" (our new normal). Hallelujah! But, why then do I still feel like I'm in the trenches of Motherhood each day. Well, because I am.
This season of life feels rough. Before having kids all my problems were my own. Thinking back to that time in my life it almost seems selfish now. I can not fathom only thinking of myself, let alone thinking of my self at all lately. Sometimes Motherhood feels like I am on a sinking ship and I'm scrambling to find a life raft. Desperately hanging on another day to "Mom" again. My children are challenging right now, Its true. And somehow, I seem to have lost all my patience in that same sea. I remind myself, "Set clear boundaries" "Praise kind words and acts" "Stand firm", "Hold Tight". I am exhausted just thinking about it, let alone mustering up the emotional strength to do it. Poor Me.
Last night in the middle of the night, I was wide awake furiously scouring the internet looking for ways to be a better mom. Googling phrases like "Am I a shitty Mom"? I realized something. I am feeling sorry for myself. My life as a Mom has been a self fulfilling prophecy lately. Just waiting for the kids to act like Asses again, thinking, "Ughhh, Here we go again". Not realizing that I am also acting like an Ass! The biggest one of all. I find myself thinking things feel unfairly skewed, like I am having harder time then others. Why Me? So I pout and throw my grownup tantrums (which look amazingly similar to a regular old two year tantrums) Life is hard.
That's when it hit me. This is it! You have the power to change this. This is your time to shape and mold these tiny people, to teach them to be kind and loving. And I'm missing it. Missing these opportunities each day. They learn by example (and my example has sucked lately, frankly) I have let life and motherhood get me down. But awareness is always the first step. So here I am in all my vulnerability and rawness, pledging to change that tape in my head. The one that keeps playing over and over and telling me how hard everything this. It is hard. But it is beautiful also.
Today I will speak kindly to myself. Today I will not stress about things that don't matter. Today I will be present with my boys. Today we will laugh together. Today we will be kinder than we were yesterday.
This is a SEASON of motherhood, and it will get better. So I will take my lessons and look to the future with my sweet family. It starts with me. So I will hold tight, and keep loving and trying.